I have a funny sort of a new calendar in my head.
It's no longer weekdays and weekends. It's Cap class days and no-Cap class days. I can't wait for Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday to come and when they do I itch for it to be anywhere close to 6ish and I am already skipping happily at the thought that soon i'd be climbing the four flights of stairs to Cap class. I am usually in class before it starts and on more than one occasion within the last two weeks I have stuck around longer than my class time, practicing a move that confused me. I even entered the roda on Carter road and danced at the end of the class. Me. Roda. Carter Road. Dance. Wow!
My body has stopped hurting like it got hit by a bus only in the last two days after Baba did two kick ass stretching sessions. So am not groaning and moaning everytime I have to get up or sit down. This is definitely a plus but not the reason why I'm gushing.
I am falling in love with Capoeira. I haven't missed a single class so far and don't intend to willingly. I know i'll be late for class coming Saturday thanks to our women's conference and am already hating that thought. I have stayed away from all evening social commitments on my Cap days. I have gone out for a Saturday night party only once in the last month and that too after class. I was the last guest to reach. 12:30 am arrival time in Chembur. Am usually the one who is on time for parties!
Everything I have been doing in the past month has been a bit of a departure from my usual way. I have finally managed to say "No! I'm busy" when something comes up that interferes with my Cap class. I, at a level, can not believe that I have been doing this. Am a sucker for going with things as they come and not being able to say no. But not anymore. Not in this case.
I even went and got myself a tambourine and I give playing it a shot everyday. It's called Khadak Singh. I am quite un-musical so to speak at plaing him. But, that doesn't surprise me. I have no musical bones or tissues in my body.
I still suck at Capoeira. I fumble when singing. I Fall. Make an ass of myself. Forget everything in the roda and keep jumping out of the way of the person playing with me for the lack of anything else to do. But, I love it.
Everytime I fall, i'm the only person laughing at me. Everytime I try something and get myself in a knot and then give up on it to restart, I'm the only one judging me. Everytime I come close to saying I can't do this, there are always more than a two voices that say "come on! try again!" Everytime I tell someone "why don't you practise with someone else? I don't know this" I only hear "No. Lets try. Give it a shot atleast!" Never have I felt so at home and comfortable doing things that make me want to evaporate. I won't say I have won over my image and identity issues. They have been my companions for as long as I can rememebr. But I'm slowly getting one up on them.
For the first time I am being myself. When baba had asked me to introduce myself to everyone, all I had to tell them was my name. That's it. Not where I am from. Not what I do. Not what I like. None of that. Nothing. My identity was simply my name. And trust me that's great.
I spent lat night chatting with a dear friend who has sweet enough to put up with me in my non airconditioned abode, going on and on about Capoeira and what its like for me and what I do there and the one thing i clearly remember her saying was "that doesn't sound like you" apart from the various other digs she took at me.
Yup! none of what I have been doing sounds like me, to me. I know why. I'm there for myself. Not for anyone else. I'm proving a point to myself. Not anyone else. I dont give a damn anymore what people think of me and if I can please everyone. The latter has been the bane of my existence since forever! I do it because it makes me happy. I do it becasue I am begining to see sides of me I hadn't before. I do it becasue I love it.
And, now since is pouring, and its time to do the happy chicken dance, I'm going to go get Khadak Singh and play with him for a bit.
What are the cances that I'll get any good at beating his goat skin?! I'd say, if it keeps raining, the chances are quite good... :)